You wanted me, not to tell me why

Why and how you had the heart to fuck up my whole life
That's just so you

where to begin with this whole shitty year, the past 12months have become the shittiest 12months for me, i wont blabber on about how or why but they have been and i'm stuck in a fucking funk and needa buck my ideas up because its becoming an embarrassment to still feel like this, i no longer want my whole life to be a misery because of certain unforseeable events. altho no matter how hard i try to get on and be happy there is still that niggle that end up borrowing away in my brain and one day i feel like its just going to overake me and i'm going to have a massive breakdown.

As if somehow i've been coping a little too well with things?

or more that my fascade has started to actually become real.

i hate fakes!

People get shitty about my moods, honestly realistically i should be a fucking wreck still now, 5years is a hella long time, i keep seeing things and thinking i'll have to tell him about that, but know i can't and inside it feels like he's dead to me. dead to me :(

If he had spoken to me about everything i think somewhere along the line we would have been able to make our friendship work, because i do miss the general hanging out part of our relationship,. We had more in common than i realised. so many plans never going to happen.

Anywhooo.....this blog isnt ment to be about HIM its ment to be alll about ME

Things i need to sort out....

• JOB i hate it need a new one better paid something i actually enjoy
• WEIGHT loose as much as possible before my sisters wedding next year, might gain some confidence through this....