attempting to discover, where to begin......
i thought things would start getting better once, i admitted to myself i wasnt okay with all this. In all fairness it's gotten worse. Its asif my brain has expanded into this major issue. Overthinking every slight detail.
Trust: i no longer have any, for anyone.
i'm begining to feel asif i am two people. Asif i have two seperate unrealted people occuping my mind. 80% is miserable and negative about everything 20% is happy and wants to do something with life.
i went out on saturday and ended up alone forgettin half the night at 2am, my friends had left me because i was behaving so badly i went off alone and they couldnt find me so left me. I sorta work up dancing in a club lost and alone. I dint even remeber where i was. I have never in my life been a nasty drunk and never before have i forgetten how i got there. I think the mood that has been building in my mind finally had chance to vent.
back to these too people. some people say they put on a front around people but i become a total other person. eve around my family i cant trully be myself because what have you got to be miserable about? if i knew dont you think i'd do something about it.
I'm sorting out an appointment with a councillor. Just having someone to talk to properly about how seriously fucked up i think i am might help me. Everyone says they're there for me but realistically the last thing they want is to hear me babbler on AGAIN.
I FUCKING HATE HIM.
As much as i want to feel loved and find love and have them butterflys again i am beyond ready for that. i needa find who i am before i can find out about someone new. Someone said its better to be two wholes that a whole of two half!
As for step one. it's abit of a catch 22 situ, i cant lose weight because i cant stop comfort eattin but i needa lose weight to gain some confidence to move on with my life.
no-one will ever trully understand me.
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