i wish i could do better by you....

is it so hard, all i want is to be understood by the world, but my own family dont even try to know who i am, so how am i supposed to have the self esteem to go out inot the world as MYSELF when i can't even be myself around the people who are meant to except me no matter what.

I can't even talk to my dad without him ashumin i'm being spiteful or nasty. If people took 5minutes to listen to what i'm saying instead of filling in the end of my sentences. they would actually realise that all my intentions are to look out for every fucker else. Really dont know why i bother tho. No matter my intentions people get the wrong idea from me. No matter how i talk or phrase things they seem to hear something completely different to what i'm saying.

a coma might feel better, than this....

attempting to discover, where to begin......

i thought things would start getting better once, i admitted to myself i wasnt okay with all this. In all fairness it's gotten worse. Its asif my brain has expanded into this major issue. Overthinking every slight detail.

Trust: i no longer have any, for anyone.

i'm begining to feel asif i am two people. Asif i have two seperate unrealted people occuping my mind. 80% is miserable and negative about everything 20% is happy and wants to do something with life.

i went out on saturday and ended up alone forgettin half the night at 2am, my friends had left me because i was behaving so badly i went off alone and they couldnt find me so left me. I sorta work up dancing in a club lost and alone. I dint even remeber where i was. I have never in my life been a nasty drunk and never before have i forgetten how i got there. I think the mood that has been building in my mind finally had chance to vent.

back to these too people. some people say they put on a front around people but i become a total other person. eve around my family i cant trully be myself because what have you got to be miserable about? if i knew dont you think i'd do something about it.

I'm sorting out an appointment with a councillor. Just having someone to talk to properly about how seriously fucked up i think i am might help me. Everyone says they're there for me but realistically the last thing they want is to hear me babbler on AGAIN.

I FUCKING HATE HIM.

As much as i want to feel loved and find love and have them butterflys again i am beyond ready for that. i needa find who i am before i can find out about someone new. Someone said its better to be two wholes that a whole of two half!

As for step one. it's abit of a catch 22 situ, i cant lose weight because i cant stop comfort eattin but i needa lose weight to gain some confidence to move on with my life.

no-one will ever trully understand me.