Have no fear, for when i'm alone

i'll be better off than i was before.

Life isn't as bad as it seems, every single day i worry, about something, from the littelest worry to the biggest fear. I can't help myself, its almost as if it is in my blood to worry. As if i wouldn't be able to function without something to worry about. I also have OCD which makes the worrying a thousand times hander to deal with, because when your worrying about "Life" your head makes things up, "you will DIE unless you pick up that tiny piece of fluff" and i deep down know it wouldnt effect my life but in the front of my mind my inside voice is screaming, just pick it up, it isnt worth the risk.

Nothing is worth the risk. I will not allow myself to believe that, because if i do i will never fall in love again, i will be too scared of the hurt at the end of the tunnel, when realisitically if all gos well (which in my cynical mind i know it never will but if it does) we will be together forever. I wish i trully believed that, inside in my mind everything is SHIT i WILL get hurt again and i won't become anything in life, i will forever remain living at home, or if i move out, it'll be alone or with a cat, and i will have to scrimp and save for anything worthwhile i want.

My life wasn't meant to go this way

I had big plans.

Big Big Plans

I feel like nothing, no-one listens to me. No-one, i spend all day at work being ignored or belittled, and then come home to be ignored, and made to feel a fool. Maybe its because i'm big, people just in there mind asume bigger people are stupid? Its little things that get to me like, i had to take my laptop back because there was a fault in the screen I'd worried about it for over a week then finally spoke to my dad about it, to which i got " i'd take it back and don't stand no shit!! asif i'm just going to be like ohh ok then sorry i didnt think, NO CHANCE EXCUSE me but i've only had it 10days and its FUCKING FAULTY YOU FAT FUCK! i wouldnt actually say any of that but i'm no push over,