Have no fear, for when i'm alone

i'll be better off than i was before.

Life isn't as bad as it seems, every single day i worry, about something, from the littelest worry to the biggest fear. I can't help myself, its almost as if it is in my blood to worry. As if i wouldn't be able to function without something to worry about. I also have OCD which makes the worrying a thousand times hander to deal with, because when your worrying about "Life" your head makes things up, "you will DIE unless you pick up that tiny piece of fluff" and i deep down know it wouldnt effect my life but in the front of my mind my inside voice is screaming, just pick it up, it isnt worth the risk.

Nothing is worth the risk. I will not allow myself to believe that, because if i do i will never fall in love again, i will be too scared of the hurt at the end of the tunnel, when realisitically if all gos well (which in my cynical mind i know it never will but if it does) we will be together forever. I wish i trully believed that, inside in my mind everything is SHIT i WILL get hurt again and i won't become anything in life, i will forever remain living at home, or if i move out, it'll be alone or with a cat, and i will have to scrimp and save for anything worthwhile i want.

My life wasn't meant to go this way

I had big plans.

Big Big Plans

I feel like nothing, no-one listens to me. No-one, i spend all day at work being ignored or belittled, and then come home to be ignored, and made to feel a fool. Maybe its because i'm big, people just in there mind asume bigger people are stupid? Its little things that get to me like, i had to take my laptop back because there was a fault in the screen I'd worried about it for over a week then finally spoke to my dad about it, to which i got " i'd take it back and don't stand no shit!! asif i'm just going to be like ohh ok then sorry i didnt think, NO CHANCE EXCUSE me but i've only had it 10days and its FUCKING FAULTY YOU FAT FUCK! i wouldnt actually say any of that but i'm no push over,

i wish i could do better by you....

is it so hard, all i want is to be understood by the world, but my own family dont even try to know who i am, so how am i supposed to have the self esteem to go out inot the world as MYSELF when i can't even be myself around the people who are meant to except me no matter what.

I can't even talk to my dad without him ashumin i'm being spiteful or nasty. If people took 5minutes to listen to what i'm saying instead of filling in the end of my sentences. they would actually realise that all my intentions are to look out for every fucker else. Really dont know why i bother tho. No matter my intentions people get the wrong idea from me. No matter how i talk or phrase things they seem to hear something completely different to what i'm saying.

a coma might feel better, than this....

attempting to discover, where to begin......

i thought things would start getting better once, i admitted to myself i wasnt okay with all this. In all fairness it's gotten worse. Its asif my brain has expanded into this major issue. Overthinking every slight detail.

Trust: i no longer have any, for anyone.

i'm begining to feel asif i am two people. Asif i have two seperate unrealted people occuping my mind. 80% is miserable and negative about everything 20% is happy and wants to do something with life.

i went out on saturday and ended up alone forgettin half the night at 2am, my friends had left me because i was behaving so badly i went off alone and they couldnt find me so left me. I sorta work up dancing in a club lost and alone. I dint even remeber where i was. I have never in my life been a nasty drunk and never before have i forgetten how i got there. I think the mood that has been building in my mind finally had chance to vent.

back to these too people. some people say they put on a front around people but i become a total other person. eve around my family i cant trully be myself because what have you got to be miserable about? if i knew dont you think i'd do something about it.

I'm sorting out an appointment with a councillor. Just having someone to talk to properly about how seriously fucked up i think i am might help me. Everyone says they're there for me but realistically the last thing they want is to hear me babbler on AGAIN.

I FUCKING HATE HIM.

As much as i want to feel loved and find love and have them butterflys again i am beyond ready for that. i needa find who i am before i can find out about someone new. Someone said its better to be two wholes that a whole of two half!

As for step one. it's abit of a catch 22 situ, i cant lose weight because i cant stop comfort eattin but i needa lose weight to gain some confidence to move on with my life.

no-one will ever trully understand me.

You wanted me, not to tell me why

Why and how you had the heart to fuck up my whole life
That's just so you

where to begin with this whole shitty year, the past 12months have become the shittiest 12months for me, i wont blabber on about how or why but they have been and i'm stuck in a fucking funk and needa buck my ideas up because its becoming an embarrassment to still feel like this, i no longer want my whole life to be a misery because of certain unforseeable events. altho no matter how hard i try to get on and be happy there is still that niggle that end up borrowing away in my brain and one day i feel like its just going to overake me and i'm going to have a massive breakdown.

As if somehow i've been coping a little too well with things?

or more that my fascade has started to actually become real.

i hate fakes!

People get shitty about my moods, honestly realistically i should be a fucking wreck still now, 5years is a hella long time, i keep seeing things and thinking i'll have to tell him about that, but know i can't and inside it feels like he's dead to me. dead to me :(

If he had spoken to me about everything i think somewhere along the line we would have been able to make our friendship work, because i do miss the general hanging out part of our relationship,. We had more in common than i realised. so many plans never going to happen.

Anywhooo.....this blog isnt ment to be about HIM its ment to be alll about ME

Things i need to sort out....

• JOB i hate it need a new one better paid something i actually enjoy
• WEIGHT loose as much as possible before my sisters wedding next year, might gain some confidence through this....